Disenchanted and Disillusioned

I had a dream.  It started in 2000 when I took a certificate class in Herbal Medicine.  It was the first time I touched the Earth in a magickal way through herbs and instantly I knew I was home.  I was with women who were passionate about herbs and healing and felt this was definitely the place for me.  I soaked up the knowledge like water, my soul had been parched and thirsty for the comradeship of women healers and Earth knowledge for what had seemed like forever.

While I was in that class I met some Occultists, Witches, Seers and Pagans, and even had my own supernatural experience with a ghost.  I felt open, ready and willing to learn more, see more, and help others. Being an avid reader, I immersed myself in books on herbs, healing, The Craft, and Spirituality.  I learned to read Medicine Cards and the Tarot.

In 2001, I became an Ordained Minister through Universal Brotherhood Movement.  I did so, because a dear friend asked me to wed her and her beloved in New York.  Applying for ordination and receiving it was a huge spiritual change in my life and I loved performing weddings.  Its one of my favorite things to do and a gift from my friend that keeps on giving.

From there, I joined a Drum Circle where I really got introduced to The Goddess, the Wheel of the Year and ritual.  I can still see the hall, lit with candles, smelling transcendent of white sage and all the drums in the Circle.  It was a dream come true.  Again I knew I was home.  I was with Mother Drum Circle for eight years and it was a sad day indeed when it came to a close.

And then in 2008 I stepped into the Hoodoo.  Hoodoo came to me on a business trip to New Orleans.  Returning home I found cat yronwode's book in a spiritual supply store and it changed my life.  I read the inside cover and again I knew I was home.  Here was a place where I could put my herbal knowledge, my spirituality and my desire to help others to good use.  I was excited to learn and be a part of such a cultural legacy.  I knew I was on the right track.  I enrolled in her course, studied hard and graduated.  During my first week in the course, I met my first real practicing Witch.

I asked if she would teach me, leading me to initiation.  That led to a Year and a Day study and she dumped me 3 months shy of completing the goal without any explanation.  I continued on my own and self-dedicated.  I tried to start my own Circle - not coven, just a group of women meeting together to honor the Goddess, the old ways and the Moon.  That died.
Next I tried to study with Elder in the community.  That fizzled out.  Each time I tried to touch with the Goddess and set out on the path of initiation it failed.  The latest failure happened this week as I prepared for a ceremony.  Every time I tried to set a date for the ceremony something went wrong or the date wasn't available.

I don't understand why the path to the Craft of the Wise is so difficult.  Has the Goddess forsaken me?  Does she not want new followers in her Craft?  Three years I have knocked on her door and each answer has left me fallen on my face, sad, disillusioned and disenchanted. 

I have gone back in my heart and mind to what I feel drawn to, called to.  I feel called to the Moon.  I love the Moon.  I worship with the Moon, I find my Divinity in the Moon.  Perhaps the Goddess I have been seeking is not the one of the Craft of the Wise.  Perhaps She exists in my Moon,  in whom my heart always find a home.

My birthday is next Saturday.  A time of rebirth and renewal.  I plan to immerse myself in the sacred waters of a healing mineral spring.   I hope when I come up for air a new sense of purpose and direction will be made known to me. 

Blessed Be.