Me and 50

My 50th birthday is approaching.  It will be here in approximately 2 months.  I've stopped coloring my hair and every time I look at it, I freak out at the enormous amount of gray that has settled in with a vengence.  I've always colored my hair.  But then a few months ago I decided to grow locs, and my hair was ecstatic.  I told my hair I'd stop coloring it too, and each time I said it, I felt it sigh a breath of relief. 

Its hard to look at myself in the mirror with gray hair.  I notice every strand, every curly-cue of gray.  I particularly dislike the ones on my sideburns.  And yet I'm holding strong to my promise not to color it.  I notice women with gray hair, and secretly size them up as to how they move in the world.  Are they gray with a youthful vibe, or are they stately and wise with their gray, or do they just look like "oh the hell with it - I'm gray, so be it!"  I think I fall into each category on any given day, depending on my particular mood.

Today I looked at my gray and said, "it's a snow topped mountain!"  "I have wisdom". Yeah, that's it - I keep telling myself.
Not to mention all the thoughts about mortality.  For the first time my husband and I talked about what we would call ourselves, when and if our children ever have kids - which we hope is still a long way off, cause they're still too young, in our opinion.

I look at my dog and she's getting up there (as they say) too.  I look to see if she's got gray eyebrows yet.  Nope not yet.  Yay.
Honestly I never thought I'd see myself with gray hair.  I've fantasized about it.  How great I would look with my brown skin and white hair.  But mine isn't white.  It's gray.  Whole different look.  And most of my friends are younger than me, and I'm also the oldest in the family.  So there's nobody to look up to as a woman and say - so how are you dealing with it?  Except my Mom of course.  I saw a picture of her recently and her gray did look nice, however Mom is also in her 70's.

So we're crossing a new river.  Gray and turning 50.  I've always been blessed with a youthful countenance.  Call it a Gemini blessing.  So facing this new path is a bit scary.  Yet I know there's something good here for me, if I can just stick it out.  I'll let you know how it goes after I turn 50 in May.

And for the record, in my profile picture I'm wearing a wig.  Hahaha, that's not really my hair, but how funny is that, that it's partly gray and it's one of my favorite photos!

End Trans
3/27/10